yep. i'm up.

back to my freshmen year habits?
i hope not.
i would blame it on a horrible day, but that would be wrong.
church was pretty dang good today. i'm really starting to like my ward.
but, it has been a rough one, but i'll spare you the gooshy stuff. i don't think i could sleep if i tried.
so here i am. listening to my grandpa's cd, studying for new testament, and doing my best to avoid a pity party for myself.
"just be happy ash, because you deserve it."
bryn said this as she was leaving a little bit ago. love her.
so grateful for good friends who do their best to understand and comfort me when i need it.

i'm pretty dang blessed.
#spiritualmollymormonpostmixedwithalittletoomuchemotionandirrelevantdetails

deep thoughts.

so tonight i missed my grandpa, a lot.
i often dream about what my summers in st. george could be with my grandpa here.

how late would we all stay up talking?
would we ever ride to work and home together?
how often did he go on the floor at work, what would he said to me if he saw me?
would we go to panda garden together, and reminisce on past visits?

i hope he'd play the piano to wake me up on sundays.
i hope we'd watch the news and get into political discussions.
i hope he'd call me into his office at work and ask me questions and make me feel important.
i hope he knows how much i miss him.

scenes from the last couple days.

and reasons i've been mia.

whats up whats up.

what's been going on:
hurst stores celebrating 65 years.
pictures to follow, as soon as i can find my cord.

what's been in my head:
lots.

what i can't wait for:
lake powell.

thoughts:
lately i've been thinking a lot about FRIENDS.
in two ways. what it is to be a friend, and how friends is really a title that is so restrictive on the people you're the closest with.
sometimes you think you have "a keeper" and you find out you're mistaken.
it may take you a month to "break up" as my dad would say, or years. then you're left wondering what happened.
but, sometimes you find friends in the most unlikely places.
and they can replace the friends you've lost throughout the years. eventually, they even seem like family.
i've grown up away from family all my life, it's just been me, my parents, and my siblings out in the midwest. but we're not alone. there's been some amazing people who have filled the holes our family couldn't from so far away.
in the nineteen years of my life i have been honored to meet the people i have. i've had great friends and family. i think it's killing me to be out here because i have so many friends i am still close with that i want to share experiences with. at the same time, i'm so greatful for the byu phase in my life, and they are filling holes as well. its funny how that works.

also weighing heavy on my heart and mind is my grandpa ross. today marks a year before i heard my grandpa's voice in person, saw his smile, felt his hug, and spent time with him. a perfect weekend, it was true grandpa ross style. he flew in on friday with grandma, jason, nicole, ethan, and chloe. helped with my graduation party. celebrated. saturday went to my graduation, listened to my speech, took some pictures. played golf with the boys. sunday church, and then a picnic in the park, along with some wiffle ball. it was perfect now that i think of those last memories.. the snow cone machine he paid for. my friends he met. playing golf in my community. working my ward family, who loves him too. then, playing the family game of baseball. and then we shared our last hug and goodbye exactly a month before we would lose him.
my uncle jared is engaged and tonight was a special night. he talked with my grandma about how they did an interview with his bishop, he got his temple recommend, etc. we talked about how bad we hope grandpa will be there. no matter what age you get married, every boy (or girl) deserves to have their dad there. anyways.
i just can't get that man out of my mind. i wish he was there. i wish he could of been there for the store's anniversary. i wish i could hear he was proud of me one last time.

♥

ten months almost at this very moment.
i can remember what i was doing ten months ago right now so very clearly.
i was holding his hand and praying and praying that different little things i'd do would make the numbers look better, hoping that maybe i'd feel a squeeze back or some warmth.
but ten minutes later it all ended.
so tonight as i'm up studying for finals and about to hit the hay i'm listening to his songs,
i feel like we're just in the living room talking and he's playing away.
my favorite is "please don't take my sunshine away.."

hopefully i can ace this book of mormon final for him.
i miss him so much!

"..and now i just have to remember you can't put a price on memories."
well said mama. well said.
♥

bryce canyon.

after my grandpa's death this summer it took us a couple weeks to go to church on sunday, instead we grieved together after the tragic loss. 

i'll never forget the sunday we went to bryce canyon, one of my grandpa's favorite places. 

sunday drives were my grandpa's signature experience. so we took one to his favorite place. 

it was my mom, sister maggie and brother sam, my grandpa, and my uncle bruce- grandpa's youngest brother, his wife holly and youngest daughter mackenzie. 

the whole day i was obsessed with bryce's beauty. i'm not sure if i've ever been there before, but it was really special to be there considering. 

one of the reasons i love st. george is because of the red rocks.. bryce is red rocks to the max. 

right now i'm missing summer. and those moments that made last summer special, despite it all. 

here are some pictures that i'm drooling over once again. 

three more months ♥

♥
summer.

somedays i spend countless minutes looking for any memories of you.

missingyou.

the year of 'perfect ten' in review- day four.

the ten of '10- #4

i got my first "real" full time job. 

..real meaning one the government takes taxes from (not nannying.)

well. i worked for the family business, so semi-real. but the work was real!

i did inventory and cashiered, and it was a love- hate relationship.

i hated inventory when i was alone in an aisle with nasty hardware just scanning away. 

i loved getting to know my fellow employees, the "regulars", and i especially enjoyed the comments about my grandpa.

working at my grandpa's store made me closer to him, even though he wasn't there. i loved every story i heard, friend i meant, and those moments i just knew he would have loved for me to come home and tell him. some days were harder than others. i couldn't think about the sentimental things too much if i wanted to finish the day, but i wouldn't trade those 9-4 days for anything. 

i have always LOVED the store. sosososo much. but i love it even more now because i know the employees on a much more personal basis and i love them too. i got to work side by side with them and they were very inviting and welcomed me into the company family, one that would help me survive the hardest summer of my life. 

hurst ace hardware on the corner of bluff and the blvd became more than just my job for college money, it was a place for me to feel close to my grandpa and a healing place. i will forever remember the time i spent working there this summer and the amazing people i worked with that made the days go by so much faster. 

♥

♥

iloveandmisshimsomuch.

and i loved working at ace in st.george this weekend. it always reminds me of him and i always feel at home when i'm there. i know he still checks the day's numbers from heaven. :)

five months today

i wonder how its goin' up there

♥

election day.

i enjoy current events. every day i check cnn, yahoo (so i can get some entertainment news in there), occasionally the daily universe, and a bit of wall street journal, usa today, and time apps on my ipod.
today was election day. and guess what? i didn't vote. i am SO ashamed of myself.
right when i turned 18 i printed out my registration sheet.. but i didn't have my driver's license with me so i didn't finish it. and then i never finished it. and then since i didn't finish it, i didn't get my absentee ballot. i'm finally 18 and i've been waiting to vote FOREVER and i don't even exercise my right to vote.
at the same time, i don't feel as informed with the issues in my state. did you know good ol' sd voted on legalizing marijuana for medical use today? i didn't know that until i was online last night.
maybe it was a good thing i didn't vote, because i wasn't fully informed. that's one of my biggest pet peeves, people who want to get into a political discussion based off things they've heard their parents say. i'm lucky enough to have parents who differ in views but can also agree from time to time.. after they've done their research.
being here at byu there is plenty of conservative go-getters ready to tell you all about the republican party and how horrible obama is and how the democrats are ruining the country. they're just a bit dramatic if you ask me. no one likes how our country is right now.. but i'm not sure i'm qualified enough to argue with someone because despite my daily news update.. i still don't know both sides on all the issues, but i'd like to hear both sides before i state my opinion instead of getting one side shoved down my throat.

alright. just a little venting. go america!
on a lighter note.. i can't wait to do a semester in dc.. when shall i? i was thinking summer 2012 would be a really fun one.. as would winter semester 2012. i registered for classes today and am in comparative government and politics.. anxious for that. :)

have a good election day.. hope you were better than me and voted!

(in an article done on my grandpa when he passed away, a friend quoted something like.. "fifty percent of washington county's democrats died last night." i always enjoyed listening to his opinions.. because he always had so much to back them up and so much perspective. ♥ miss him.

let it out.

since the day my grandpa ross died, there hasn't been a day the same. there hasn't been a day i haven't thought of a part of my day he would have enjoyed, something i would have told him, missed him, and remembered him. 
i'm really good at putting on a smile when i'm hurting the most so that i don't have to actually talk about it. luckily, i am able to tell this girl what i need to. she was pretty fond of him as well :) 


sometimes i forget how lucky i was to even know him. i was reading this and cried for my cousins and soon to be cousins that won't get the moments with him that i did. 
but, at the same time, i wasn't the only one who came to appreciate all that he was. there was many others who saw what i saw. 


coming to terms with how permanent death is SUCKS. but that doesn't mean i can't still admire him. 


this weekend i get to travel down to st. george with raleigh and erin and get to see my grandma. i'm soo excited! i've missed her so much. she's amazing and crazy strong. i'll also get to see my great grandma terry who soon will get to be with grandpa ross and great- grandpa terry. ♥

staybeautiful.

things i hope i'll never forget.

my blog is kinda like a journal to me.. but i've been thinking about two things lately that i'd like to have on record and i hope this is a semi appropriate place to do so. 

a lot is said about the phrase- "live like you're dying."

which its great.. but do we? 

after my grandpa ross's passing my friend brynley said.. "your grandpa REALLY lived like he was dying.. every day his whole life"

so true. SO true. he did.. and that's another reason why he is such a great example. 

i think of all he experienced in his short years and know that every day he lived to the fullest, with no regrets. 

and how great of a life style that is to live. 

after grandpa died.. we all were gathered in his hospital room by his bed. we waited and waited.. and after it happened i remember grandma julie was hugging one of her sons.. i believe jason. 
i remember her saying, "he couldn't do it."
and jason (?) saying, "he couldn't hold on anymore mom he had to go." or something along those lines. 
and grandma said, "no.. not ross, heavenly father."
i hope to never forget this.. because until that moment for hours i had thought my grandma had lost faith that heavenly father could help my grandpa rebound through this.. and i was almost mad at her because i just couldn't think of anything else that would keep my grandpa with us and all i had was my faith to trust in.. and in that moment i remembered how strong and faithful my grandma is and that even when she had her doubts.. she always had 100% faith we could see a miracle. 


yesterday marked one month since grandpa's death.. how crazy it seems to know we've been without that great man for that long. 
last night i enjoyed reading some of my grandpa's letters he had sent home while on his mission.. i was so glad i got to share some special moments with my grandma. 
she's such a brilliantly beautiful and strong lady. 


on a lighter note- tomorrow bryn and i will pick up my friends at the las vegas airport- and i couldn't be more excited. 


stay beautiful, ashley ann. 

let's review

i have one job, that consists of two tasks. 

this summer i work at hurst ace hardware in st. george utah.. 

i do inventory, and i cashier. 

inventory is pretty simple. 

you get a gun- a gun that scans. 

you take it and shoot a barcode.

done. 

but not quite.. then you have thousands of items more to shoot..

fun right?

well, i get lots of time to just think.

sometimes this is good, but a lot of times its bad because lately emotions get the best of me when i think about my last month of life. 

seriously though.. sometimes i think out a blog post.. but it never makes it here. 

if only blogspot could read my mind :) 

in review-

the fourth of july was spent with brynley and mackenzie.. and the rest of the hurst fam at the shakespheare household.

it was fun, but reminded me that death can make even the happiest of times tearful. 

The next day, Sunday, we traveled to Bryce Canyon- One of Grandpa's favorite places.

I was overwhelmed by its beauty and understood why he loved it so much. 

I missed him even more. 

It's weird to talk about a person.. a person who if you ever wonder what they want you could easily just call and ask them.. but now we're left guessing how he'd want things done. 

I'm not quite sure how I'll know, but I hope my Grandpa Ross can still help me and support me throughout life. I always enjoyed reporting my accomplishments to him, or getting a call after he heard about one and wanted details. 

Everyone said he was proud of me.. and I know he was.. I was proud he was proud of me. He had invested in me- in my interests, talents, and education. I hope I won't let him down. 

One of the sweetest things to hear upon my arrival in St. George was when Dale, an employee at the store who is very important and worked closely with my Grandpa, tell me about how Grandpa had shown them all my tv interview for the Caring for Coach fundraiser. Usually that is embarrassing, but it was a sweet, tender reminder of my Grandpa's love for me when he couldn't tell or show me for himself. 

Day by day we heal, but we will never forget how special he was. 

stay beautiful- ashley ann. 

ps.

happy late birthday to a girl who blows my mind.!

have fun at byu basketball camp- show them all your mad skills. 

love you so much!

alright..

okay. so. here goes nothing.
first of all i just skyped for more than an hour with bryn.. this mac is great but gee tomorrow's going to be hard.
now i have to catch up on my bachelorette :)
we'll chat about that later i'm sure.

but i'm here in st.george, and lets just say my world has been flipped upside down this summer.
i've learned nothing is promised and nothing is concrete.

i arrived in st. george on june 14th.. a monday.
on june 16th, wednesday, very early in the morning (3:40 a.m.) i lost my grandfather-- grandpa ross.

i came to st. george to work for my grandpa.. that was the original plan.
my interest in business is because of my grandpa ross, and i wanted to learn from the source :)
then.. he had the surgery.
the surgery went bad..
they clipped the aorta.. resulting in incredible blood loss.
the next weeks were brutal.
he continued to receive blood and was in the intensive care unit.
things started to look up.. he got to the point just days before we lost him where he was conscious and speaking with those around him.
dr. booth even slipped him some diet coke :) a nice break from the feed tubes.
but grandpa was in pain.. and they were trying to figure out what was wrong.
then this ended up in a sorta medically enduced coma? i think.
well. this is how i saw him on monday night.

it was hard. seeing him.. you know it will be hard but you just can't prepare.
you don't ever want to imagine someone you love so much like that.
with tubes and needles and things going in and out.. and just completely helpless.
you want so much to be hopeful but that's hard when you can't talk to him or feel his body's warmth.

after seeing him i went to spoon me to visit brynley at work..
good and bad idea. it was great to see her..
but i broke down kinda again.
it was really hard to talk about and just hard to think about and keep seeing that image.

well.. my hope was still there.
i still thought that i could work for grandpa.. but just in different ways..
pulling things he needed from his office to give to him at the hospital..
setting up a little office for him.

the next day they decided to put grandpa on dialysis, for his kidneys.
i never understood how serious this was..
i just figured it was one of the ways they could help make my grandpa better..
which it was, but it didn't work.

next they put in a pacemaker.. for his heart.
this is life support.
machines and technology keeping you alive.
i was okay, as long as grandpa got better.

that day even i was cleaning, helping to organize grandpa's office with ethan.
things would get better, and i was going to make sure things were perfect when he got back to the regular routine.

that night things kept getting worse. early in the evening we help a family prayer.
the spirit was strong and everyone had special things to pray for that they though would help grandpa.
i prayed so hard, and i had so much faith.
i needed grandpa here- i needed him for the summer.. i needed him for college, advice on classes.. i needed him to be at my wedding.. to hold my kids.
did i get carried away? apparently.
but i believed so much, so crystal clear.

during the family prayer we took all the phones off the hook.
apparently craig booth, a doctor.. and grandpa's best friend, had been trying to call.
we, well grandma.. but she let us be apart of the decision,
we had to decide if it came down to the last hope.. could they basically pound on grandpa chest, a cpr type thing.
we decided yes, mine as well try it.

well.. we didn't need to make that decision.
i kinda gave it away but things got worse and worse.
the kidneys, the lungs, the heart.. it was all failing and the medicine was less and less effective.
we knew we were going to lose him, we just didn't know when.
that was so hard.. so so hard. i had no control.
it shook my faith a lot.
its not fair- i will never deny that.
he was not done here, and he was needed here.
i know there are reasons for him to be in heaven.. but really?
this was OUR summer. grandpa and i. it held so much potential.

we lost him, and we weren't able to hold on to him long enough for justin to get there in time.
his hands were told, he was puffy..
he wasn't there.
he was gone.


i don't know.. what does this all mean?
it means the pain is still apparent.
people cry every day and that normal now..
we all get it.. we all understand and we all are hurting.
but of course.. most of all there is grandma julie who is hurting.
i hope that i can help her this summer to make her feel very comfortable.


its late.. and i need to go to bed.
but i'm sure i'll need to talk more about this.
its so hard.. i'm not "better" yet.

i miss my grandpa so much.. i love him so much.
he was the example i'd write about in those corny papers-- but he always fit the best.
he's an example in the business world, through his family life, and spiritually.
it was said many time in the past weeks that he was "larger than life"
and he was.

and i miss that man.. so so much.

stay beautiful-- and love everyone you got.

what's going on now.

now:
stressing about graduation party (so much to do!)
have three speeches to write (two church talks.. seminary and sac. meeting, and a graduation welcome)
getting ready for finals (stats, lit, and gov)
loving my family more and more (which is great because i'm leaving in a month)
trying to keep loving creativity (although it seems too much of it is required right now)

then:
going to st george
being best friends with brynley :)
working for my grandpa
getting tan

grandpa's cancer may being coming back (but doctors are very optimistic)- keep him in your prayers. he is an example to me and many others, and i love him very, very much.

stay beautiful- ashley ann.