alright..

okay. so. here goes nothing.
first of all i just skyped for more than an hour with bryn.. this mac is great but gee tomorrow's going to be hard.
now i have to catch up on my bachelorette :)
we'll chat about that later i'm sure.

but i'm here in st.george, and lets just say my world has been flipped upside down this summer.
i've learned nothing is promised and nothing is concrete.

i arrived in st. george on june 14th.. a monday.
on june 16th, wednesday, very early in the morning (3:40 a.m.) i lost my grandfather-- grandpa ross.

i came to st. george to work for my grandpa.. that was the original plan.
my interest in business is because of my grandpa ross, and i wanted to learn from the source :)
then.. he had the surgery.
the surgery went bad..
they clipped the aorta.. resulting in incredible blood loss.
the next weeks were brutal.
he continued to receive blood and was in the intensive care unit.
things started to look up.. he got to the point just days before we lost him where he was conscious and speaking with those around him.
dr. booth even slipped him some diet coke :) a nice break from the feed tubes.
but grandpa was in pain.. and they were trying to figure out what was wrong.
then this ended up in a sorta medically enduced coma? i think.
well. this is how i saw him on monday night.

it was hard. seeing him.. you know it will be hard but you just can't prepare.
you don't ever want to imagine someone you love so much like that.
with tubes and needles and things going in and out.. and just completely helpless.
you want so much to be hopeful but that's hard when you can't talk to him or feel his body's warmth.

after seeing him i went to spoon me to visit brynley at work..
good and bad idea. it was great to see her..
but i broke down kinda again.
it was really hard to talk about and just hard to think about and keep seeing that image.

well.. my hope was still there.
i still thought that i could work for grandpa.. but just in different ways..
pulling things he needed from his office to give to him at the hospital..
setting up a little office for him.

the next day they decided to put grandpa on dialysis, for his kidneys.
i never understood how serious this was..
i just figured it was one of the ways they could help make my grandpa better..
which it was, but it didn't work.

next they put in a pacemaker.. for his heart.
this is life support.
machines and technology keeping you alive.
i was okay, as long as grandpa got better.

that day even i was cleaning, helping to organize grandpa's office with ethan.
things would get better, and i was going to make sure things were perfect when he got back to the regular routine.

that night things kept getting worse. early in the evening we help a family prayer.
the spirit was strong and everyone had special things to pray for that they though would help grandpa.
i prayed so hard, and i had so much faith.
i needed grandpa here- i needed him for the summer.. i needed him for college, advice on classes.. i needed him to be at my wedding.. to hold my kids.
did i get carried away? apparently.
but i believed so much, so crystal clear.

during the family prayer we took all the phones off the hook.
apparently craig booth, a doctor.. and grandpa's best friend, had been trying to call.
we, well grandma.. but she let us be apart of the decision,
we had to decide if it came down to the last hope.. could they basically pound on grandpa chest, a cpr type thing.
we decided yes, mine as well try it.

well.. we didn't need to make that decision.
i kinda gave it away but things got worse and worse.
the kidneys, the lungs, the heart.. it was all failing and the medicine was less and less effective.
we knew we were going to lose him, we just didn't know when.
that was so hard.. so so hard. i had no control.
it shook my faith a lot.
its not fair- i will never deny that.
he was not done here, and he was needed here.
i know there are reasons for him to be in heaven.. but really?
this was OUR summer. grandpa and i. it held so much potential.

we lost him, and we weren't able to hold on to him long enough for justin to get there in time.
his hands were told, he was puffy..
he wasn't there.
he was gone.


i don't know.. what does this all mean?
it means the pain is still apparent.
people cry every day and that normal now..
we all get it.. we all understand and we all are hurting.
but of course.. most of all there is grandma julie who is hurting.
i hope that i can help her this summer to make her feel very comfortable.


its late.. and i need to go to bed.
but i'm sure i'll need to talk more about this.
its so hard.. i'm not "better" yet.

i miss my grandpa so much.. i love him so much.
he was the example i'd write about in those corny papers-- but he always fit the best.
he's an example in the business world, through his family life, and spiritually.
it was said many time in the past weeks that he was "larger than life"
and he was.

and i miss that man.. so so much.

stay beautiful-- and love everyone you got.